Twisted Therapy

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I'm surrounded by love. I have unusual sexual fantasies.

In our let-it-all-hang-out culture, kinks are portrayed as cool, not embarrassing. A glance at Craigslist reveals endless pleas from horndogs, whether married men looking for she-males or young professional women who yearn to be spanked.

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Surveys must be read with skepticism, since people are notorious for lying about their experiences, but one international poll found that 20 percent of adults say they've experimented with masks, blindfolds, or other bondage gear and 35 percent have tried anal sex. Yet most of us harbor strong and decidedly subjective ideas about what's simply kinky and what's truly creepy. A practice that is harmful, exploitative, or dangerous—such as pedophilia or public flashing—is deemed abnormal.

But outside such clearly damaging obsessions, human- sexuality experts have a general rule: Unusual sexual practices are mostly harmless as long as they are part of a range of sexual responses. If you like dirty talk or get aroused by women's underwear, that's nothing to worry about unless it's the only thing that turns you on.

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Then it's usually called a paraphilia, defined as unconventional sexual behavior that's both obsessive and compulsive. For instance: A guy who can get off only when he's wearing diapers, or a woman who insists on dominating her partner. The person "is now substituting a behavior for a partner, and the behavior has become necessary for sexual satisfaction," sex educator and author Yvonne Fulbright explains.

A little bit of kink is a good thing if it spurs open-mindedness and a spirit of adventure. But when an object or a ritual becomes more important than the living, breathing partner, it gets in the way of a relationship and of sexual fulfillment. The predilection doesn't have to be weird to cause a problem. Fulbright says that increasingly, she hears from heterosexual guys who have trouble getting aroused unless they look at or imitate porn.

Published on November 21, 2017

At first, their counseling regimen is not very much fun: "It's almost like quitting smoking ," she says. They have to slowly get used to new non-porn-related practices over time, while tolerating unpleasant feelings akin to psychological withdrawal. But over time it becomes easier for them to respond to a wider repertoire of sexual situations. A lot of innocent-looking people are hiding impressive peccadilloes: drug addictions, health problems, financial troubles, infidelity.

We even keep secrets from those closest to us: More than 70 percent of married men and women keep stashes of money that a partner doesn't know about, one poll found. Secrets like these may be ordinary, but they often take on a terrifying influence that grows stronger as you put more effort into hiding them. The simple act of concealing the truth bestows a lot of emotional power on a secret. Even small, trivial falsehoods or omissions begin to loom large as you struggle to keep them under wraps. You become obsessed, and your shame fuels your obsession. The holder of a shameful secret fights irresistible urges to confess, as Frank Warren of postsecret.

As part of an art project, Warren began encouraging strangers to write their darkest thoughts on hand-made postcards and mail them in anonymously. Since , more than , people have responded. Each week, a new set of postcards goes up on the site, with confessions ranging from the poignant to the hilarious.

The effort of keeping a secret actually prompts you to think about it more, psychologist Daniel Wegner of Harvard University has found. Part of your brain is constantly monitoring it, trying to make sure you don't blurt it out.

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This screening process unintentionally keeps the subject alive in your memory. Intrusive thoughts about it pop up, distracting and alarming you, and making whatever you are hiding seem much bigger and more twisted than it is. In his research, simply forbidding a subject from thinking about a white bear can make it extremely difficult to stop thinking about the pesky thing.

And for those sins that are just too big to admit to face-to-face, there's always postsecret. You might find that someone else is carrying the same burden as you—and suddenly, it will seem a little less horrifying and a little more human. Thanks to guys like Ted Kaczynski and Seung-Hui Cho, modern loners have a bad reputation as misfits and misanthropes.

It is true that some of the worst murder sprees have been committed by social outcasts. But a solitary gunman usually winds up that way because he is so deranged—or so difficult—that he cannot find a niche in normal social life. His vengeance is fueled by rejection. He wants to fit in, but he can't. Solitude by choice is a completely different matter. Every month, she jets off to places like Afghanistan or Sweden, where she spends weeks networking with strangers.

The success of her projects often depends on having strong, mutually trusting relationships with local government officials, and she is very good at inspiring people and winning their respect. When her work is done, though, all she wants to do is kick back at home with her husband and her cats. She moved to her current town more than a year ago, but hasn't made any local friends. Though content to be lost in her own world, the loner-by-choice is often made to feel like a weirdo by others who crave social interaction and can't imagine that she wouldn't benefit from getting dragged along to a party or baseball game.

Fearing social events rather than loathing them can set people back, if shyness prevents them from having fulfilling relationships or acts as a barrier to creative or professional achievement. Some types of shyness are even associated with depression.

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But some—Cheek calls them the "secure shy"—have figured out how to have good relationships in spite of their social anxiety. They don't have a lot of friends, but they also may not need a lot of friends.


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Just as with nonanxious introverts, the secure shy don't seem to be very limited by the trait, says Cheek. People strive to be fair, just, and equitable with each of their children.

But in their heart of hearts, many parents harbor stronger feelings for one of their offspring than for the others. And they feel terrible about it—even though family psychologists say it doesn't necessarily pose problems. So when she found out she was pregnant with a fourth, she was dismayed. Three was plenty. She was even more surprised, after the baby was born, to find she felt a special connection to her littlest. That child, now 2 years old, is secretly her favorite. She feels very guilty about it, and says she'd never admit it to anyone she knows.

Research with older mothers and adult children, however, suggests that feeling a stronger bond with one child is the rule rather than the exception. In a study, a whopping 80 percent of moms over 65 said they have a favorite among their grown children.


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Sometimes a child who has physical or emotional difficulties will be the favored one; mothers also often prefer the youngest. In this research, the adult children were often wrong when they guessed who their mother's favorite was. However, in work by New York University sociologist Dalton Conley, adult children nearly always agreed that one child among the family was favored, and generally agreed on who it was, although parents usually denied it.

Most of the research into "parental differential treatment," as it's called, suggests that as long as the children perceive the unequal treatment as nonetheless fair, it won't damage familial relationships. Kids understand that their brothers and sisters have different needs, especially at different times in their lives. So family psychologists encourage parents to explain why they might offer one child more support, or give one more freedom—even though it's the last thing most parents want to discuss. Back Psychology Today. Back Find a Therapist.

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